I cannot believe my daughter is almost a year. The past 11 months have been the most interesting, challenging and rewarding of my life. I don’t know if it is makes any sense but I feel like my life has a purpose now. Imagine a baby who is relying on you for everything and your actions or lack of them will determine their future. What a responsibility! Just thinking about it makes me want to be a better person so that she can only see the best.
As you can probably see this post is not about running. I am feeling a bit sad and emotional as we must say goodbye to yet another thing. It has been 11 months full of anticipated changes… Safa smiling for the first time, rolling over, first solid feed, first tooth, crawling and now walking. Each change brought new challenges and fears for me. Is she eating enough? Is she drinking enough? Is she sleeping enough? These were some of the questions that haunted me every second of the day. I know I am not alone in this as they are the most common questions for all mothers especially for first time mothers like myself. The nights of sleeping deeply have totally disappeared for me. Even when my daughter started sleeping through the night, the same did not happen for me. I lost count of the number of nights I would hear a baby cry in my dreams. Thank God for video monitors as it helped with not running into her room each time I heard something.
Safa’s lack of interest in milk has been the most frustrating and stressful of all for me. God has blessed me with a child who is not a big fan of milk and is the pickiest eater I ever met, starting when she was not even a week old. I really cannot blame her as it runs in her genes. Both my husband and I are very picky eaters. Now that I am a mother I feel bad for what I made my own mother go through. I remember in the old days when Safa did not drink or eat enough I would be depressed and my mood will totally change. Now that I look back I cannot believe I had actually allowed her to affect my moods. My obsession with her milk drinking did not stop fully to this day however I have learned that there are bigger things to worry about in life and also now that she is eating food it’s easier to give her yogurt or something else that she likes in order to make myself feel better. I guess part of being a new mother includes learning and I have learned that children are smarter than we think. The facilitator at my mother’s group always used to say “they will not starve themselves” and I believe this with all my heart. I will see Safa turn away from milk but if I give her yogurt will take it without issues. I remember reading that it is important not to force a child into food but my heart will not allow me to put her down to sleep without making attempts to feed her, even though she will throw up on me.
To get back to the reason that I am writing this post today, I have decided to end my days of breast feeding. This is a moment that I have been waiting for in a long time but now that we are getting closer to my goal (one year) I actually feel sad about it. I have a hate/love relationship with BF. I love nursing but I hate pumping. I went back to work when Safa was almost four months (yes my Canadian friends welcome to the United States of America where maternity leave is two weeks if you are lucky you get three months but it is WITHOUT A PAY) so if you do the calculation I have been pumping three times a day for seven months now. Every day I would leave my desk three times (9am, 12 and 3pm), take two set of stairs to the fourth floor where the mother’s room is located and produce milk for my daughter. The process itself is not long – about 15 minutes of pumping then another 5 or so to clean the parts, but what is annoying beyond imagination is the effort it takes to do it. It helps to have a supportive employer who actually provides a room to use ( I heard that some women have to do it in washrooms). Furthermore I’ve built a relationship with the four other girls using the room and no one minds if someone is not within their allotted time.
Throughout the process I have learned that breastfeeding/pumping is not for everyone. I have also learned not to judge those that choose not to breastfeed and sympathies with those that could not due to means that were beyond their control. In my heart I strongly believe that every mother wants what’s best for her child and the sacrifices one makes depends on that mother and her limits. I am truly proud of my efforts and Thank God for giving me the opportunity to be able to produce milk. I wish I had the means to continue longer but I have reached my limit, however I am still sad and I think it is because I am dealing with one more change. I have literally given up my identity as me and become Safa’s mom and now that she is getting bigger and I am getting myself back, I feel a bit lost. She is not relying on me as much and although I am so happy that she is becoming her own person I am truly going to miss being her biggest provider. I am looking forward to taking any pain reliever I want and drinking as much caffeine as possible but I cannot help but also be a bit sad for another change we must endure.
As you can probably see this post is not about running. I am feeling a bit sad and emotional as we must say goodbye to yet another thing. It has been 11 months full of anticipated changes… Safa smiling for the first time, rolling over, first solid feed, first tooth, crawling and now walking. Each change brought new challenges and fears for me. Is she eating enough? Is she drinking enough? Is she sleeping enough? These were some of the questions that haunted me every second of the day. I know I am not alone in this as they are the most common questions for all mothers especially for first time mothers like myself. The nights of sleeping deeply have totally disappeared for me. Even when my daughter started sleeping through the night, the same did not happen for me. I lost count of the number of nights I would hear a baby cry in my dreams. Thank God for video monitors as it helped with not running into her room each time I heard something.
Safa’s lack of interest in milk has been the most frustrating and stressful of all for me. God has blessed me with a child who is not a big fan of milk and is the pickiest eater I ever met, starting when she was not even a week old. I really cannot blame her as it runs in her genes. Both my husband and I are very picky eaters. Now that I am a mother I feel bad for what I made my own mother go through. I remember in the old days when Safa did not drink or eat enough I would be depressed and my mood will totally change. Now that I look back I cannot believe I had actually allowed her to affect my moods. My obsession with her milk drinking did not stop fully to this day however I have learned that there are bigger things to worry about in life and also now that she is eating food it’s easier to give her yogurt or something else that she likes in order to make myself feel better. I guess part of being a new mother includes learning and I have learned that children are smarter than we think. The facilitator at my mother’s group always used to say “they will not starve themselves” and I believe this with all my heart. I will see Safa turn away from milk but if I give her yogurt will take it without issues. I remember reading that it is important not to force a child into food but my heart will not allow me to put her down to sleep without making attempts to feed her, even though she will throw up on me.
To get back to the reason that I am writing this post today, I have decided to end my days of breast feeding. This is a moment that I have been waiting for in a long time but now that we are getting closer to my goal (one year) I actually feel sad about it. I have a hate/love relationship with BF. I love nursing but I hate pumping. I went back to work when Safa was almost four months (yes my Canadian friends welcome to the United States of America where maternity leave is two weeks if you are lucky you get three months but it is WITHOUT A PAY) so if you do the calculation I have been pumping three times a day for seven months now. Every day I would leave my desk three times (9am, 12 and 3pm), take two set of stairs to the fourth floor where the mother’s room is located and produce milk for my daughter. The process itself is not long – about 15 minutes of pumping then another 5 or so to clean the parts, but what is annoying beyond imagination is the effort it takes to do it. It helps to have a supportive employer who actually provides a room to use ( I heard that some women have to do it in washrooms). Furthermore I’ve built a relationship with the four other girls using the room and no one minds if someone is not within their allotted time.
Throughout the process I have learned that breastfeeding/pumping is not for everyone. I have also learned not to judge those that choose not to breastfeed and sympathies with those that could not due to means that were beyond their control. In my heart I strongly believe that every mother wants what’s best for her child and the sacrifices one makes depends on that mother and her limits. I am truly proud of my efforts and Thank God for giving me the opportunity to be able to produce milk. I wish I had the means to continue longer but I have reached my limit, however I am still sad and I think it is because I am dealing with one more change. I have literally given up my identity as me and become Safa’s mom and now that she is getting bigger and I am getting myself back, I feel a bit lost. She is not relying on me as much and although I am so happy that she is becoming her own person I am truly going to miss being her biggest provider. I am looking forward to taking any pain reliever I want and drinking as much caffeine as possible but I cannot help but also be a bit sad for another change we must endure.
p.s. I have the most amazing friends and family but I would like to take a moment to thank Jelena for her constant encouragement and support especially in the area of breastfeeding. Not only did she share everything with me but she also made sure that I learned from all her mistakes. Thank you baby girl - you have been a life saver for me more than ones. love you.
